Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
