I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
