did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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