The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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