We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
