If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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