Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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