So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
