can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
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There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
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Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
try to milk me bitch
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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