Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
