I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
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And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
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mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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