There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
