my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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