and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
