if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
