it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
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No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
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I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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