at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
