Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
