long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
