I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
