I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
