Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
