they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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