thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
