well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
