A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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