I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize