I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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