Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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