Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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