if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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