There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
