This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
