1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
