I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
