So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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