The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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