So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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