Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
