Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize