So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
