The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
