I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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