God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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