I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
