It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
