you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
