why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
