Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
