I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
