she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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