I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
