The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
