just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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