Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
