I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
